The End

This is my final blog for Sweet Dreams At Lonely Planet, this chapter will then be closed. It was intended to be a happy blog but alas it has all been the trials of a very fucked up relationship filled with lies and deception. There is no going back. The ultimate damage is done and there is no trust left where you are concerned.
You brought out the absolute worst in me, never would I think I'd be so angry and hurt to punch a window!
Never would I think that I'd be so unhappy that I would deliberately harm myself or run to the furthest point of the earth, but that is how I felt.
I will rise above this, regain my strength and my health. This took a lot out of me, lost a lot of weight, was constantly nauseous in your presence.
I no longer have to deal with it and can slowly start to breathe again, smile again, laugh again and be me!

Thank you to everyone who read my posts from all over the world.
I may start a new blog when I am healed, the happy blog I had intended.

Always stay true to yourselves and never allow anyone to control you. Be happy, that's all that counts.

The End

Wake me up when September ends.

I need peace, peace and quiet, peace in my head, peace in my heart, I can't handle the constant harrassment, the stress, my heart is sore, seriously sore, the only way to heal is to move on, to live again, to find my happy place.
A week of little to no sleep, trying to sort the chaos that surrounds me, in my new place and in my head. The only comfort is the strength from my family and friends, not as alone as I thought, glad to feel I do exist...

Friday you pitched up at my work, it wasn't the best idea given the circumstances, I had a very bad panic attack, I just couldn't stand to be in the same space as you. Something you can't understand, the amount of damage done, stems back from torture from years gone by, resurfaced, thanks to you.
I will not be with anyone ever who treats me that way.

I had an ok weekend with my kids, tried to do as much as possible with each and just spend time with them, I need to absorb them, they have pure love, my medicine, my kids.
Human company, that was good. Managed to have a few smiles...

Then I woke this morning, it all hit me, the reality of everything. The place I am at, the place I now call home.  hate the emotions, the sadness, the wanting to cry.

All I can do is carry on this path to nowhere and let it lead me to happiness.

There are no sweet goodbyes...

My dear Monkey Cat: She was my spark, the 1 that made me feel better, although only a cat she lifted me up when I was down, made me laugh, she was with me for almost three years and then she was no more.... A month has passed and my Monkey Cat is gone, gone I don't know where, gone, will I ever see her again... Gone gone gone!

My Guru CL: Two weeks ago on this day we were given the shocking news that they forced her into early retirement.... My guru, the lady who helped me grow, to be stronger, a selfless person who has just been tossed away... She's been like a mother to me, one decade I've known her and now there's only a few days left and I won't see her again... I am sad.

2IC: You've been a good friend and colleague and today was your turn to drop the bomb that you too are leaving. They treated you badly, its understandable, now our mini work family is no more, the pieces are slowly crumbling, one by one they will all go until there is no more...

Dear Harley: You pee'd on everything in sight, licked everything in sight, may you be happy in your new home.

My dear Moshi: German Shepherd cross Husky, 4 months old, a giant of a beast, my doggy, I now have to say goodbye to you too, tonight I will take you to your new home. May you be faithful to them.

My life: I am moving this weekend. Need to end the madness, time to find me. Lots of loss in a short space of time. I hope I find me again...

Should I stay or should I go....

Some decisions bugging me....

We all know how the song goes, I am faced with such immense inner turmoil. This has been one of the hardest relationships I've ever been in, filled with frustration, I just can't be me and every turn we seem to clash.
There is only so much compromise and change one can make before your inner soul is destroyed.

I am unhappy.
I am lost.

I sometimes think I am better off on my own, doing it my way.

It's so hard to live with someone who is a complete stranger, there is nothing to say, no common interest.
Whatever there once may have been is gone.
I need verbal stimulation, I don't get it, shall I seek it elsewhere?

I do most of it on my own anyway, why deal with more than you should when it should be a partnership?

I can feel it, I am dying from the inside, this is not me, do I need to be free....?

I'm going slightly mad...

I just can't handle much at this point in my life. The shouting completely drained me. The feelings I had are gone, all that remains is a tear in my heart and a lot of anger.
I can't say I haven't tried... I can't say I have tried... I can say I am on the verge of giving up.
A zebra can't change its striped, they can only age...
I have poured my heart out to you (what is left of it) tried to make you understand what makes me tick but alas you just won't ever get it.
You are sooooo self absorbed.
If I tell you something it always get changed into something about you. How you did it, who you did it with. You just clearly know everything and its all about you, you, you!

We will never see eye to eye, it is very frustrating.

Violated.

Liar.

Secrets.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!

Here we go again........

After weeks of hurt and heartache, we took a long journey together, we went to see the Chimps... It was a three hour drive, I got to speak my mind, let you know what your verbal abuse did to me, your actions and my repercussions...

So here we go again, lets see if we can get back on track again and put all the hurt behind us.

Psycho crazy, doors slamming...

Go grab yourself a large cup of coffee, a snack and have a comfy seat, this is going to be a long story and in the end you judge for yourself how psycho I really am. All contents will be the truth as I know it to be:

Friday - 26 July 2013
He was away from home with work (5 hour drive away), his cell had been cut off by subscriber and we still had alot of tension between us. He would communicate by sending me fb messages with his ipad. Also send me requests for me to phone him. Now keep in mind, he has let me down many times and I really just didn't want to talk to him as its all about him.
I had an awful day at work that day, nobody to talk to, he has no interest in what I have to say.
I got home, had a pleasant evening by myself... He sent a message at 7pm to say  he was leaving.
I went to bed around 10.
He got home around midnight, whispered he's home. He got into bed a few minutes later. He then pushed his arm under my pillows, woke me up and said he's home.
I said ok and tried to sleep again. He shot up, yanked the duvet off the bed, switched the bright bedroom light on and shouted why don't I welcome him home, why didn't I stay up and worry??? (why didn't I stay up and worry? well, I cared too much and worried too much before, for what?) I shot up, shouted at him that I hate him and I am so sorry for not having a welcome home banner for him.
You see, if he showed any interest in my life, he would know that I don't get much sleep and waiting until the morning wouldn't have got us where we are today.
Yes I threw a plastic ashtray down the passage as he was walking out, I did not intentionally aim it at him, yet he threw it back at me.
He slammed and punched the bedroom and bathroom doors.
I sat huddled in the bathroom, petrified.

All was quiet so I went back to bed for a very restless night.

Saturday - 27 July 2013
I went to work, managed to compose myself the entire day. Fetched my kids from the ex husband and went home (I refer to home as the house, a home is a happy place, this is just a house of misery).
We had the afternoon to ourselves, he was vising friends with his daughter.
He got home, the mood was dull and he asked me if I wanted supper, I said no thank you. If he offered me coffee, I would say no thank you.
Well, that was the wrong thing to say and I got shouted at yet again.
(I can't eat or drink when my tummy is in a huge knot from all the abusive shouting).
The rest of the evening is fuzzy....

Sunday - 28 July 2013
Woke up, sorted kids and cleaned house etc. More fighting. He spent many hours outside with his car (relief, some peace and quiet).
Then he came inside and asked what should we have for lunch, I tried to say there are sausages in fridge but was overpowered by his voice and the shouting, more shouting...
He took his daughter with him to the shop (I told my daughter she is not to ride in a car with this angry man). He asked me if I wanted lunch, yet again I refused. He asked me if I will ever eat again, I said no, hopefully I will die of starvation. he mumbled to the kids about me.
Anyway, later that afternoon he left to take his daughter home to his ex wife.
He returned 3 hours later, claimed he had met his brother there.

Monday - 29 July to Wednesday 31 July 2013
Things are strained, my cat has been missing since Sunday, I am devastated. I think all his shouting and banging of doors has scared her away. I'm beyond heart-broken, I really hope she does return. I can't deal with loss.

Last night he went to fetch his scooter from the car place where he had left it for a few days. His ipad was there. Well, he said he has nothing to hide so I decided to look...
He had sent his ex wife some messages about me, smirking behind my back, sending her kisses and hearts too, I mean WTF, is that normal...Geez, that's why my ex husband and I are divorced, no kisses or hearts...
So I confronted him and basically told him to go fuck his wife. I mean I was angry!
Well, more shouting and door slamming...
My poor kids, it kills me to see them see him verbally abusing me.

Thursday - 1 August 2013
Things were semi quiet, its a strain being around him, sends cold shivers down my spine, makes me feel so nauseous, no hot water for kids to bath in as neighbour used it all, that already pissed me off. My cat is still missing since Sunday....
He went to the garage to buy smokes, left the dreaded cell phone behind, I had a look....
His one blonde bimbo friend and him had been conversing, laughing behind my back, more lies, saying to her my love and sending her this: (*)(*) which we know means boobs!
Confronted him, he lost it, made sure to tell me what a fuck up I am. Apparently its normal to chat to friends like in a flirtatious way, even your ex because he was raised in a very loving family and that's how he is...
WTF!!! He went on and on and shouted and broke things, my hands were shaking, I tried to stay calm, if I didn't stay calm I would've punched the monster in his face! He drove me to the sheer brink of madness where I found myself slapping my face, hitting my head and finally biting myself.
I had to feel pain or else I would've inflicted it...

Oh dear God!!!!!!! I'm ashamed, I'm embarrassed, this is NOT me!!!!
Who have I become, where do I go...........

Aaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm upset, I'm angry. I want to get in my car and drive, drive until there is no more road to drive. Drive to the edge!
Everything is killing me, tears welling, I have nobody to talk to, nobody who will understand. I really am a lonely drifter.
This is NOT the way my life is meant to be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need change, interest, to feel alive. I'm dead inside.

I just can't handle anything anymore.

Just let me be me...

I can't be myself with you anymore. You killed the communication, things were going so well but it was too good to be true, a zebra can't change its stripes....
I have realized out of all of this nothing is about me, I am nobody. This is not what I wanted for my final choice at this stage of my life.
Two nights of verbal abuse, anger rising from deep down, gazing in longing at the place next door I called home...
My cave where I could escape from the cruel world, the place next door...
This place, this house, the fights, the selfishness, me killing myself over a place I hate, a place I've been before, a place of hurt and anger...
Oh G_d, someone, anyone, I wish I didn't feel so low, I wish I felt amazing, yet I am wilting daily, consumed with such sadness...

I'm alone tonight, I can breathe awhile, sleep in peace, be me for that time, freedom!
Until you return and the wheel goes round with me spinning in it....

Why can't you see........

Fists of Fury!

Anger! I am consumed with so much anger caused by hurt! How dare you sit there and shout at me and make it all seem like I am the one at fault!
You do fuckall to help me and NO I won't ask for you help, if you don't have the courtesy to offer it, then screw you!
YOU let me down AGAIN and that it isn't the first time but after this weekend it will be the last time that you ever let me down again!!!

I'm done.

I really tried my utmost, put my heart into it but I have become a glorified maid and home maker. I have never in my life been with someone so selfish, so self absorbed, I'm done.
The scary part is starting over again on my own, finding affordable accommodation for my kids and I, giving up so much again, learning to survive on nothing.
Reality I've been alone in this from the start, having to compete with your porn, chat sites, your friends, your car things, I've been placed lower than last.
You're unreliable, a liar, a fake. You have no morals and no pride in loved ones or your home.
You lost your son, you've lost me, I hope for your sake you don't lose your daughter too...

Here's to me having to start over and suffer due to your selfishness!

Falling away from me....

Nothing is constant, there is always something new with you, something that effects us. First I had to compete with the porn, then your friends, then I had a piece of you for a very short time, I was happy then, you seemed open, talked, included me in your life, now I have to compete with the cars, the people, your friends, you've completely shut me out. I am so lonely, so lost, so hurt and so alone.
You had me, yet you tossed me aside again.
I can no longer compete with anything or anyone, I have given up, I no longer stay up at late hours with you, watching what you are up to, I no longer care.
I am just here.
The nobody.

Crawling in my skin...

I haven't been to work for two days, I'm not myself, I'm angry, I'm lost, I'm beyond irritation. I couldn't handle going to work knowing I couldn't save some of the dogs with the fate they are faced with, I didn't want that to be my decision again, it's killing me, I don't know how much longer I can handle the decisions and emotions I am faced with at work... My heart aches for all the animals, it's taking its toll on me emotionally and I don't know how to deal with it, I have nobody to talk to, I can't open up to you, that door is shut closed, you closed it.

Your world belongs only to you, it pisses me off. Married to your iPad and bb, I must be awful company if you have the need to chat and occupy yourself with everyone but me. I am so alone, it hurts, I don't want to be around anyone, I want to stay isolated and die in my own misery. I miss my mom so much, it feels like she is calling me from the grave, my brother is depressed too,Mathis woman will be the death of him.
Is it our destiny to go the way in which my mom went, suicide?

Does happiness even exist, I wonder if I will ever know before its too late.

Mona Lisa...

I am cold, tired and highly irritated, besides the start of PMS, I am just plain aggro and I have every right to be. Another week of kids, we even included your daughter but alas that has been a stuff up. I sit here dozing off due to the events of last night, yet again I am drained and I wonder why do I try so hard to keep everyone happy yet everyone is knocking nails into my coffin...
If your ex wife can't take control of her life I don't want to know about it anymore, you would drop at a hat to go help her if needed but when I've asked you to help me I end up sorting it our myself.
Well I'm a big girl and have learnt to do a lot myself. There is a reason an ex is an ex, she needs to stop relying on you to save her!
I understand that she needs her wash machine to wash your daughter's clothes too but she could get a technician to sort it, always the easy way out and as per usual you are so willing to help her or anyone else that needs your help except me!!!
Who the fuck am I??? Oh yes, I forgot, I can do it all myself, I run a household, a full time job, at times 3 kids, I spend more time with your daughter than you do!

Fuck, I'm in a foul mood, I know the weather is just as drone as I am today, but I have exceeded my happy limit for now.

All I can say is open your eyes!!!!

Ten seconds from a nervous breakdown....

Everything is getting to me, everything is pissing me off, maybe I just need a holiday or a break from all the chaos but that would be pointless I guess as I'd have to return.
Maybe its time for a change, a new job, I've been here over 10 years, at times it feels like being here is killing me.
Most days I love my job, the fact that I get to work with dogs and cats, but the pressure's have changed, this place is claustrophobic, I just want to get away.
There are people that irritate the living crap out of me, today is one of those days, the nose picker is here and the senile old bat.
If I wanted to I would willingly check myself into the nut house but no need, the nut house is here!

So I got a puppy, my very own puppy, she knows I am her Mom, I know she loves me, she has taken away that need to feel loved as her love is unconditional and comes with no terms or hurt attached. She already senses when I am sad or not myself and comforts me.

My mind...

My mind thinks constantly still, I don't get a lot of sleep, I'm always thinking, making up stories in my mind, things about you... My gut still says there's something a miss, how do I trust that what you tell me is the truth, I don't know... Still thinking about finding a P.I to solve this mystery in my head.

These are my thoughts for today, just trying to keep it all together before I lose my mind :-/

Am I having a meltdown....

This week has totally taken it out of me, I worry as I've been getting chest pains, maybe all the stress, haven't told anyone, who would care anyway, I'm so busy trying to keep everyone else happy around me that once again I take the back seat.
I go to work, do what is required, its not an easy job when you have to deal with lives, lives of dogs and cats, decide their fate, emotions have to be put aside yet I am human and eventually it all gets to  me.
This week went a lot better with kids but I am exhausted with all I have to cope with. My partner doesn't face the responsibility I do, he gets to come and go as he pleases, make a mess in the house, turn a blind eye to things, me on the other hand, I have responsibilities...
I envy that, the fact that some get to relax after a day of work, even the week I don't have kids I have so much to cope with.
Losing track again... I go to work, then its the rush to collect kids, deal with idiotic morons on the road, get home, sort kids, sort dogs, sort cats, wash dishes, clean house, tidy some people's mess, pick up after them, if he's not cooking and adding more mess, sort the supper, bath kids, oh and there's washing to do in between, sorting, folding, get kids to bed, then finally sit and my mind takes over as to all I need to do the following day...
Everything irritates me lately, its become a mundane life, there is not fun factor, zero to look forward to.
I need to make sure its all organized, its live able, that there is order in the chaos, I only have me to count on, me, the one who just does does does and goes goes goes.
I'm not saying he doesn't help me, he does his bit, the easy parts, I would love to come home to a clean, tidy house where all my washing is done and neatly folded and packed away, but that won't happen as its become my duty.
This was supposed to be the first weekend in 3 weeks that I would have some space from kids, some relaxation time, but alas we have his daughter, I don't begrudge that at all, but I need space, no kids, none of the complaining... but that's your indaba this round, I've done my week, drained of all that is me, time for your responsibility....
I am quiet, tired, left to my own thoughts....

New Beginnings....

 

 

We made it to one year, a year filled with the revealings of many secrets that caused alot of harm. I now put that year behind me in the hope that our new year forward will be better without any hurtful secrets.



I have two wishes for our journey ahead:
1. No more lies, no more hurtful secrets.
2. That you be more open with me, you have your 'good' 'female' friends that you confide in but what about me, the one who is sharing life with you... That also hurts....

Let's see how this goes from here...

Rise of the fire Angel

I'm getting stronger day by day, nobody will ever hurt me again, I won't allow it. I won't crumble. I won't shed a tear. From here on out I'm going to be selfish and think of myself, the transformation is in the process, haircut, vibrant colour, change of attitude, confidence boost, turning some heads, hee hee, I shall rise again, stronger!

Paranoia

I am paranoid.
My mind thinks and thinks and thinks and doesn't stop thinking. I watch you all the time, I wonder...
I decide, but I don't know what is truth as I have no facts.
I have even considered hiring a P.I. to help stop the madness. I need answers.
You do things that makes no sense to me.
Did I thwart your plans last night by going with you when you wanted to go out on your own....or were there no other secret plans.... How the fuck do I learn to remotely trust you ever again after all you have done.
You mentioned how cold I am, well dead people are cold, you say you are trying, to me, trying would be giving me the answers I need, the proof, but you won't, so I won't trust, how must I when its all such a big secret....
Somewhere, somehow this all needs to come to head and be dealt with accordingly!
Do you even see the damage you've done to me? Do you want to fix it?
Simple, talk to me, give me the answers!!! Help me stop this paranoia!

Dear Blog...

Good morning my dear blog, you have become like my own Dr. Phil except you aren't human and you don't offer advise but at least I have a place to offload my thoughts and just vent whenever I need to.
Last night was a bad night, kids were full of antics, bickering and exhausting me. When he got home late from work he was in a foul mood, yes I accused him of meeting his female friends for coffee but what must I think when he has stated how important his female friends are to him. You see, my downfall is that I am too honest, I speak my mind, hence the foot in mouth disease but in a way its a good thing, my Mom always said you must not keep things bottled in, just let it out.
So anyway, you walked in the room, I was folding your washing, had to tidy a few things in your cupboard, must be nice to have someone do that for you and you just take it for granted.
So you told me to go fuck myself or fuck off, it was one of the two but by the time I had thought about it I couldn't remember which it was, and did it matter, not really, I can fuck off or go fuck myself, either way it really won't matter.
Don't worry, I cleaned the water from you kicking the bucket, I mop the kitchen floor every evening, not that you'd notice...
I decided to go to bed at a decent time for a change, not waiting up with you any longer, now you are free in the evenings to do what you do, I have myself, my health and me to think of for a change, wasted enough time playing detective and what should it matter if you do anything behind my back anymore.
When we met and I assumed it was perfect and you were different, I was different, I showed love and affection, what a waste, it was all for nothing, you probably couldn't wait for me to go home, or to leave my place so you could continue your hobby, it all makes sense now, I feel quite used, my emotions were abused and my heart was crushed.
Did the others also find out the truth?
I'm going off on a tangent, this matter is now closed, it has sickened me enough, the pictures, the videos, the sites, the emails, the texts, everything, I no longer care about any of it! Finished!!!

The past affects the future!

You can't hide the past, it has a way of coming back and doing more than biting your ass! Now I know why you said to me when we first met that you aren't interested in my past and therefore I shouldn't ask you about your past.

It would seem that you have more than a colourful past and as much as I'm digging up what I can from it, I'm not liking what seeing one bit.

You really aren't the person I thought you were, regardless of your sick hobbies there seems to be so much more and little by little its starting to surface.
I've asked for answers yet you dance around it and avoid the telling me the truth.
Maybe in this case the truth won't set you free....

I'm so tired of playing super sleuth, I've even considered hiring a P.I to put my mind at peace and find out some truths once and for all, maybe I will still pursue that route... I too know people and am very capable of finding out facts. I won't be hurt or led to believe that there isn't more than that that meets the eye as below the surface there is a hell of a lot going on.

Can't you see what all this has done to me? If others have noticed then surely you have the best view of my dying me....

I will end here for now, all my thoughts are making me angry.

Into the abyss...

Another weekend over, the start of a new week, a week I am dreading... Firstly I must say I am very proud of myself, you left your device at home this morning whilst you were briefly out and I did not even touch it, I wasn't even tempted.
I did however see on your other secret place that some woman is very keen to meet up with you, I did ask you a few questions last night about her in a non dramatic way, she's married and you went to school with her and you apparently don't know her well yet she wrote to you that she wants to meet up soon... Another secret, is it innocent or should I be worried.
The issue with kids this weekend weighs heavily on me, I left the 3 to their own devices in fear of jealousy, the 1 is jealous of the other and you too get jealous so I'm stuck in nowhere land not knowing how to give each attention without the other being jealous.
This flu has taken alot out of me, I think the hell you put me through has a lot to do with it.
Mr C commented on Saturday when I was at work that I had lost that spark in my eyes. I guess that's what happens when you are dead inside.
My mind has completely taken over, leading to a new type of madness, I convince myself of various scenarios to do with you and your secret life as I never know any truths.

My stepmom is going in for a big operation soon, you offered to make a plan to get me there so I can help my dad and stepmom, I did speak to her about it and as much as I am dying to go I am stuck in a rock and a hard place, to leave my home and worry if my cats are being fed and knowing you are free to get up to your hobbies and do who knows what when I am not there, the thought of that is a killer.

Time to get back to work, enter into my abyss....

Walking Zombie...

I am so tired, I feel like a zombie, I'm sure I look like one too...
It was nice to go out last night, dinner and a movie, that was a first, I think the movie was a last, nodded off a few times, the seat was uncomfortable, but still, it was nice to get out.
Is it wrong of me to question your intentions of why you would want to take me out, have my thoughts got to the point of over analyzing absolutely everything???

Besides the late night last night, I am constantly tired and wish for a good night's sleep. I don't sleep well at all, my mind is always awake.
I stay up late with you at night so that you can't do what it is you do on the net behind my back.
Do you wish for me to go to bed before you so you can do those things...
I push myself every night, every day, I am so tired...

TRUST

Trust... That is such a powerful word, trust... I wish I could trust you and not have these thoughts of doubt, thoughts of you leading another life behind my back.
How must I believe anything is real, how must I trust you...
My mind, so messed up, it's affecting my concentration, yesterday I almost had an accident I was so deep in thought.
I forget things, simple things, but I never forget the hurt....
There is a secret world all stored on 1 device, it bugs the shit out of me and I itch to get a glimpse into that world, yet... Do I want to know... What hurt lies within your secret world, it's better not to know yet its eating me alive!
I suspect there is another, I hope I am wrong, the heart isn't strong enough to deal with any more hurt.

I am a walking void.

Untitled...

Many titles enter my head at many moments but I forget them, so I'm calling this untitled as it may be quite random and go off the topics, my mind is chaos, I forget a lot, I always say its old age but in truth its the stress and the hurt and the pain that is eating away at me.
You kept asking me why I am so quiet, lets have a conversation, I seem so distant. Well open your eyes! I have longed to converse so many times only to be shunted aside, I dare not say much as its always the wrong thing that leads to you whining and shouting at me, so I ask, what is the point? Now? After 11 months??
You are so attached to your phone, guarding it like a pittbull, so afraid I may see your hidden secrets, your world, reality now is, I don't give a flying fuck, the damage is done, the trust is gone.
In my mind you have not quit your disgusting hurtful habit and in hurting me so badly I have faded therefore the hunger for you to continue most likely remains.

I forgave the 1st time, the 2nd time, but how many times must you hurt me, how many times am I expected to forgive!

You say you are trying, how I ask myself? You don't care to know me, I won't let you in my head, in your eyes I am immature, you never take me seriously.
I am alone, I have nobody, its just me and my mind.
My kids can't wait to be with their dad again this weekend, I can't wait either, I can't be a good mom now, I am empty, I am nothing, everything is just going past me, all the people with their wonderful lives and happy events.

I have no life, I'm most free to be me when I am work, I go home to face the lies, wash, clean, and deal with certain irritations, keep it all in, tightly locked in, I am not free to me.
I am the quiet one with a world of conversations in my head and I let a small piece out here in blog land...

My one wish is just for total honesty from you, I still haven't had an answer from you as to why you did what you did to destroy my heart!

Anyway, that's my thoughts for now.

Drained :-(

So this is what it feels like to be dying, to feel empty, to feel like nothing, why I ask myself... The lies, they have slowly sucked the life out of me, I hurt everyday, I ask for answers, need closure yet you refuse to give me the answers, the lies will always haunt me.
I'm tired, so tired, I'm lost, I don't know who I am anymore, I'm sad, sorrow drips from me, I've lost me....
If I were a dog at the pound this would be the part where they put me to sleep, the spark in my eyes is gone.
Why did you hurt me so bad???
I won't trust again in a hurry, I won't feel anything more than this deep pit of pain....
I feel so ill, is this how it feels to be dead inside?
The tears want to surface yet I force them back, nobody knows this intense hurt, I'm crumbling...
Can you save me with the truth!

Living Dead Girl...

I died... Yet I'm still alive... That part of me that beats and makes me feel alive, died.
You promised me, I believed you, yet you lied time and time again. This was the turning point that led to me feeling like nothing, just so empty.

I saw your secret, I got an indepth look, it hurt me so bad, I lost it, I don't know who or what I became, I can't become a deranged mad woman because of your evils.

I punched a window, I was so hurt and so angry, the blood dripping from my hand didn't bother me but the pain, the pain was unbearable, the pain in my heart!

I collapsed and cried uncontrollably, I cried all night...

I still managed to go to work the next day and compose myself but I was floating, I wasn't me anymore...
They all saw the plasters, some asked, some just looked but didn't dare to ask, the look of emtpy on my face was enough.

Today I messed up, I messed up in my job, my job deals with lives, a life was lost due to my error, my floating mind, my broken heart, others sorrow, I carry so much hurt, so much pain, my mind is chaos.

I don't know who I am anymore, all I know is I hurt, I cry, the smile is gone, I'm empty, just a living dead girl.

Liar, liar!

Yesterday I went on a quest, a quest to find some answers and boy did I find out some interesting truths...
The truth shall set you free or so I thought, not in this case, now it's added more confusion...
I think my time here with you has expired, the web of lies you've created and the secrecy that surrounds it all, nope, that's not for me.
I'm a good, honest person, I have strong values and morals and I won't be played for a dumb idiotic fool!
Yes, my dumb luck that I'd end up with another hunter, destroyer but NO, I won't stand for it, I've put in too much hard work repairing me from past others and yes there are many of you but fuck this, I am me and I know what is right and wrong...

NO MORE!!!!!

It's only words....

Three words... Saying them and meaning it are two different things. actions speaks louder than words, there is no action...
Why do you keep me around.... Do those three words have any meaning to you....
Everyday I wonder....

Three words, are they only words?

Who are you....

Sometimes I think I know who you are but most of the time I don't know who you are, I see things, they conflict with things you say, you are so closed, shut me out, I don't know who you are....

Its almost been a year and you still won't let me in, I don't know if what you say is truth, fantasy, or a simple lie...
I have now come to the conclusion that your son does not exist, why hide him, why have no pictures of him, why hide your past??? Are you ashamed? Was that the truth? Was it twisted fantasy?
Who are you?????

These frustrations are overwhelming at times but I must keep it in, dare not ask, its a 'secret'...

I try so hard, put in the effort so it all goes your way, my way does not exist anymore, the way I wish it would be, the way it should be....

Grrrrr, Sigh!!!

I guess I will never know, always wonder, who are you!!!????

Almost....

Things are almost starting to feel like they did before, we had such a wonderful day yesterday, yes there have been a few spoilings, its not the money, its that thought that counts....
So you got the birthday thing wrong, I will forgive you this time...
Its a good feeling when I feel a bit closer to you, all the wrongdoings pushed me far away, you almost lost me...
I am on the mend, we are too, I just hope we can get to that time and space where we can be and feel like one...

Almost, but not nearly there yet....

just another day...

Today was meant to be special, there was meant to at least be a small suprise... I knew a week ago what was planned for today but it wasn't for me, it was for us. today was meant to be my day... going to the carwash, the local shop AT MONTHEND was zero fun.
Off to the concert we go, I'm not ungrateful, but a small surprise, something from the heart would have mattered a lot....
I still had to wash dishes, clean up, do washing, its just another day :-(
Oh, and now have to meet your friend at the concert, wonder who's day this is....

She Devil...

Well, this is my last post before I turn a year older and hopefully wiser, hehe. I'm in good spirits today, for a change, have a new outlook and a different plan...
I'm quite confident it will work, the laughter inbetween is just me reaching total lunacy, hahaha.

So, tomorrow is the day that I dread every year, no suprises, just a day in my life, no idea what the day will hold except for the concert in the night...
If the crowd gets out of hand and I get stomped to death this will truly be my last post. Maybe that's why I've never been to a concert before, the fear of being trodden to death, hahaha.

I'm just trying to get through today, there is a madness in this room beyond my lunacy, it throbs in my head, need time to tick, need to get away...

I'm so grateful to those that are them who have stood by me the last few days and been there to ease the pain and suffering.
Its all part of the plan, there will be no more pain, I will rise, am rising, getting stronger, won't be screamed at ever again, not after She Devil emerged from within...

Good luck to me :-)

And so I died...

I sent you a message, I wasn't being mean, I just needed an answer, to stay or go... Yet again shot down. you're always too busy...
I now realise I am nothing and anything to do with you has nothing to do with me.
I don't know what my role was or why you wanted me in your life, maybe it was just another lesson for me to learn.

I feel sick, tired and empty... Is it over?

Deeper into the abyss...

Oh dear God, why won't he listen, why won't he give me a chance to talk.... Another night of screaming, words attacking me, if you just heard me out without making your assumptions we wouldn't be where we are now but you cut me short and leave me to crumble, tears rolling.
I can't do this anymore, I have zero fight in me, but you twist it and turn it for your own selfish pride, I can't understand why...
I'm so hurt, so alone, if I could just take a step off the edge, I may be happy, away from all the nasty torture.
I'm drained, there is nothing left of me :-(

All by myself...

Its sad when you are in a relationship yet you are alone.... I share my thoughts with myself, have many conversations in my head, I may be bordering complete madness from only having myself to converse with but my partner who has become a silent, secretive stranger to me has no interest in anything I have to say...
So sad keeping it all in, but I have myself, me and I who will listen to the brunt of whatever I have to say....

It truly is a thankless position I find myself in, did you thank me for taking care of your daughter this weekend...
Were you even in the least interested in anything we did this weekend... Well I guess not, as nothing I say or do interests you...
This is a silent killer stripping me of all I worked up to overcome and be, you stripped me from me and in doing so have created this lonely, sad monster....
I doubt I will ever trust you again as you lead your own secret, self centered life, your choice, face the monster, the silent me who merely exists from day to day, with nothing left to look forward to except what my next thought may be....

Bang Bang you shot me down!

I merely made an innocent comment to get shot down and screamed at. Seems the gift was all wrong, have to learn to control, speak unless spoken to, silence! Silence! SILENCE!!!

I'm drowning within this dark pit if nothingness, they can see, they ask, I just nod my head and say I'm ok.

The gift...

Today I gave you a gift, a promise... I vow to never ask you if you are ok, what you are doing, why you do what you do, my gift of silence shall put your world at peace...
I shall keep it all bottled up, lock it far away as I now give up.
Relationships are about trust, communication, opening your heart, being able to tell your partner anything and everything, no matter how sad, bad, happy etc.
Your partner is meant to be your best friend...but alas, I am just there...
I shall accept the fact that our time alone will be spent with short talks about the dogs, cats and what's for dinner and playing games on our ipads.
I must accept that this is what our relationship consists of, nothing short of a boring slow death...
Daily it gets shattered and becomes less, I shudder to think what happens when total silence eventually takes over.
I will take comfort in the fact that I still have a little world left where I can speak openly, laugh, joke and be me for a few hours a day before I become the person I am not, the silent one who lives in a very busy little world up in my head, having long conversations and thoughts in my head.

Oh well, enjoy your gift, I have free'd you from my droning.

Pandora's Boxes...

So much silence, it's killing me daily, so many secrets, a hidden world I have no key to... Why do you hide your thoughts, your feelings, why does it have to all be so superficial, why??? I hurt, I have to hide, this isn't me, I have to be silent, I tried to open up only to get your door slammed in my face, you push me further and further away, I don't know who you are, you are a stranger who won't let me in... I try, I try so hard, I'm becoming empty, a living void, I hate the silence.
I may be a 'grave yard' to you but you are no better, you are an empty vessel, a Pandora's box and in turn I have become one too... So sad, this is not who I am but I have no choice, I have to share my thoughts, my feelings with those I don't share my life with or want to, but those are them who are there, listen, they are not what I want, I want you to open your box, open your heart and stop killing me!

The damage is done

You don't see how I have crumbled into a mere nothing, a nobody. These past few days I lost me, the me that took ages to find, the me I built up from nothing, the me that had been destroyed so many times, the me I found and now am lost again.
How must I ever trust you when you live in your own secret world, a world you created and won't let go....
Your phone with its secret little world, your world, your secrets... I find it odd that you take with you everywhere, now you are in the garage, your phone is with you, what is this big fucken secret??? I won't be played for this fool, many have told me how gorgeous I am, beautiful, but it means nothing, you destroyed me, the damage is done....

Secrets and lies....

I watch your secret world, I am faced with all your lies, how must I trust you if you long for your sick little world, how must I give you my heart if you want from others...
These 4 walls you created, you can keep them, I am done having my heart ripped and stomped on, I no longer trust, you have taken my last breath away...

I told you about all the pain and hurt the others put me through yet you need to play your part in it too, you need to add salt to those wounds, you are no different... No man is...

I surrender today, I am no more...

Breaking the silence...

Well, what can I say, at this point I know the rules, I've backed right down, no more running after, no more tears, it is what it is....

Maybe best to start at the beginning, where it all started, me...

I will go back as far as I can remember, maybe jump forward in between, its hard to write about me, I don't exist to myself, its about everyone else around me usually but not here, this is about me!

So I was born, don't remember much from the earlier days, all memories are from photo's... It was just the 3 of us, my Mom, brother and myself.
Dad left us when I was 4 years old.... I remember dad spending alot of time with neighbours, we would watch him through the window, drinking and laughing with them...
Mom would be in tears, very angry, why wouldn't he spend any time with us....

Well, they were divorced, I remember my brother and I seeing him just once and then he moved to Cape town, I think we went once or twice, most likely once to visit him and his new family in Cape Town...

We never saw him again after that... Well not until very many years later...

I remember him as a very angry person back then, he didn't seem to like me much...

Mom remarried, some British idiot that lived down the road from us, he would visit every Friday night and bring us each a bribery packet of crisps. You know the way to woman's heart is by buying her kids... Apparently....

Life was...well... let's just say the British idiot's true colours shone after he married Mom, I knew this place would be my prison for many years filled with alot of unhappiness and many suicide attempts...

I'm still here to tell the story so you know I never got the attempts right, they were more a cry for help....

Its been awhile.....

I am back again to empty my head, can't empty my heart anymore, it doesn't exist...
I thought I was finally happy, that you made me happy but the truth of some ugly secret surfaced.
I now don't know who or what you are, I can no longer give you my heart, you put a knife through it, you still are, its tearing slowly more and more every minute of every day...

I don't think things will ever be the same again, my 'happy' picture has been destroyed, there is no erasing, it will always be there.

You have found your sick hobby to see you through your desperate times of need to feed your manly bit, to make you feel good... So keep your whores, keep your sick fantasy world, I won't be part of that, I deserve more... Honesty... 8 months of a total sick joke...

I hurt, I am angry, I am in a place yet again where I promised myself I'd never be, very lonely, all alone, lefto to my angry, bitter thoughts...
Almost like a woman drawn to her abuser, heart abusers - they destroy your spirit, your very inckling of any bit of happyness and feeling alive, there are many of them out there, I just always seem to end up with them...

You are selfish! You are self-conceited! You don't give a fuck to listen, to pay some attention, its all about YOU YOU YOU!

I won't be me for a very long time, you took me away, it took me along time to get to be me again after the last heart abuser...

Why didn't you settle for someone else who could handle your sick little world, one of your little whores, one of them... suppose it wouldn't have been as much fun as destroying an innocent...

I will never trust you again, I don't know who you are, I do, you are another heart abuser... Don't tell me its human what you are doing, its sick, its twisted and I will never understand why!!!!

May a truck or bus hit me so I never have to go through this shit again!!!