The End

This is my final blog for Sweet Dreams At Lonely Planet, this chapter will then be closed. It was intended to be a happy blog but alas it has all been the trials of a very fucked up relationship filled with lies and deception. There is no going back. The ultimate damage is done and there is no trust left where you are concerned.
You brought out the absolute worst in me, never would I think I'd be so angry and hurt to punch a window!
Never would I think that I'd be so unhappy that I would deliberately harm myself or run to the furthest point of the earth, but that is how I felt.
I will rise above this, regain my strength and my health. This took a lot out of me, lost a lot of weight, was constantly nauseous in your presence.
I no longer have to deal with it and can slowly start to breathe again, smile again, laugh again and be me!

Thank you to everyone who read my posts from all over the world.
I may start a new blog when I am healed, the happy blog I had intended.

Always stay true to yourselves and never allow anyone to control you. Be happy, that's all that counts.

The End

Wake me up when September ends.

I need peace, peace and quiet, peace in my head, peace in my heart, I can't handle the constant harrassment, the stress, my heart is sore, seriously sore, the only way to heal is to move on, to live again, to find my happy place.
A week of little to no sleep, trying to sort the chaos that surrounds me, in my new place and in my head. The only comfort is the strength from my family and friends, not as alone as I thought, glad to feel I do exist...

Friday you pitched up at my work, it wasn't the best idea given the circumstances, I had a very bad panic attack, I just couldn't stand to be in the same space as you. Something you can't understand, the amount of damage done, stems back from torture from years gone by, resurfaced, thanks to you.
I will not be with anyone ever who treats me that way.

I had an ok weekend with my kids, tried to do as much as possible with each and just spend time with them, I need to absorb them, they have pure love, my medicine, my kids.
Human company, that was good. Managed to have a few smiles...

Then I woke this morning, it all hit me, the reality of everything. The place I am at, the place I now call home.  hate the emotions, the sadness, the wanting to cry.

All I can do is carry on this path to nowhere and let it lead me to happiness.

There are no sweet goodbyes...

My dear Monkey Cat: She was my spark, the 1 that made me feel better, although only a cat she lifted me up when I was down, made me laugh, she was with me for almost three years and then she was no more.... A month has passed and my Monkey Cat is gone, gone I don't know where, gone, will I ever see her again... Gone gone gone!

My Guru CL: Two weeks ago on this day we were given the shocking news that they forced her into early retirement.... My guru, the lady who helped me grow, to be stronger, a selfless person who has just been tossed away... She's been like a mother to me, one decade I've known her and now there's only a few days left and I won't see her again... I am sad.

2IC: You've been a good friend and colleague and today was your turn to drop the bomb that you too are leaving. They treated you badly, its understandable, now our mini work family is no more, the pieces are slowly crumbling, one by one they will all go until there is no more...

Dear Harley: You pee'd on everything in sight, licked everything in sight, may you be happy in your new home.

My dear Moshi: German Shepherd cross Husky, 4 months old, a giant of a beast, my doggy, I now have to say goodbye to you too, tonight I will take you to your new home. May you be faithful to them.

My life: I am moving this weekend. Need to end the madness, time to find me. Lots of loss in a short space of time. I hope I find me again...

Should I stay or should I go....

Some decisions bugging me....

We all know how the song goes, I am faced with such immense inner turmoil. This has been one of the hardest relationships I've ever been in, filled with frustration, I just can't be me and every turn we seem to clash.
There is only so much compromise and change one can make before your inner soul is destroyed.

I am unhappy.
I am lost.

I sometimes think I am better off on my own, doing it my way.

It's so hard to live with someone who is a complete stranger, there is nothing to say, no common interest.
Whatever there once may have been is gone.
I need verbal stimulation, I don't get it, shall I seek it elsewhere?

I do most of it on my own anyway, why deal with more than you should when it should be a partnership?

I can feel it, I am dying from the inside, this is not me, do I need to be free....?

I'm going slightly mad...

I just can't handle much at this point in my life. The shouting completely drained me. The feelings I had are gone, all that remains is a tear in my heart and a lot of anger.
I can't say I haven't tried... I can't say I have tried... I can say I am on the verge of giving up.
A zebra can't change its striped, they can only age...
I have poured my heart out to you (what is left of it) tried to make you understand what makes me tick but alas you just won't ever get it.
You are sooooo self absorbed.
If I tell you something it always get changed into something about you. How you did it, who you did it with. You just clearly know everything and its all about you, you, you!

We will never see eye to eye, it is very frustrating.

Violated.

Liar.

Secrets.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!

Here we go again........

After weeks of hurt and heartache, we took a long journey together, we went to see the Chimps... It was a three hour drive, I got to speak my mind, let you know what your verbal abuse did to me, your actions and my repercussions...

So here we go again, lets see if we can get back on track again and put all the hurt behind us.

Psycho crazy, doors slamming...

Go grab yourself a large cup of coffee, a snack and have a comfy seat, this is going to be a long story and in the end you judge for yourself how psycho I really am. All contents will be the truth as I know it to be:

Friday - 26 July 2013
He was away from home with work (5 hour drive away), his cell had been cut off by subscriber and we still had alot of tension between us. He would communicate by sending me fb messages with his ipad. Also send me requests for me to phone him. Now keep in mind, he has let me down many times and I really just didn't want to talk to him as its all about him.
I had an awful day at work that day, nobody to talk to, he has no interest in what I have to say.
I got home, had a pleasant evening by myself... He sent a message at 7pm to say  he was leaving.
I went to bed around 10.
He got home around midnight, whispered he's home. He got into bed a few minutes later. He then pushed his arm under my pillows, woke me up and said he's home.
I said ok and tried to sleep again. He shot up, yanked the duvet off the bed, switched the bright bedroom light on and shouted why don't I welcome him home, why didn't I stay up and worry??? (why didn't I stay up and worry? well, I cared too much and worried too much before, for what?) I shot up, shouted at him that I hate him and I am so sorry for not having a welcome home banner for him.
You see, if he showed any interest in my life, he would know that I don't get much sleep and waiting until the morning wouldn't have got us where we are today.
Yes I threw a plastic ashtray down the passage as he was walking out, I did not intentionally aim it at him, yet he threw it back at me.
He slammed and punched the bedroom and bathroom doors.
I sat huddled in the bathroom, petrified.

All was quiet so I went back to bed for a very restless night.

Saturday - 27 July 2013
I went to work, managed to compose myself the entire day. Fetched my kids from the ex husband and went home (I refer to home as the house, a home is a happy place, this is just a house of misery).
We had the afternoon to ourselves, he was vising friends with his daughter.
He got home, the mood was dull and he asked me if I wanted supper, I said no thank you. If he offered me coffee, I would say no thank you.
Well, that was the wrong thing to say and I got shouted at yet again.
(I can't eat or drink when my tummy is in a huge knot from all the abusive shouting).
The rest of the evening is fuzzy....

Sunday - 28 July 2013
Woke up, sorted kids and cleaned house etc. More fighting. He spent many hours outside with his car (relief, some peace and quiet).
Then he came inside and asked what should we have for lunch, I tried to say there are sausages in fridge but was overpowered by his voice and the shouting, more shouting...
He took his daughter with him to the shop (I told my daughter she is not to ride in a car with this angry man). He asked me if I wanted lunch, yet again I refused. He asked me if I will ever eat again, I said no, hopefully I will die of starvation. he mumbled to the kids about me.
Anyway, later that afternoon he left to take his daughter home to his ex wife.
He returned 3 hours later, claimed he had met his brother there.

Monday - 29 July to Wednesday 31 July 2013
Things are strained, my cat has been missing since Sunday, I am devastated. I think all his shouting and banging of doors has scared her away. I'm beyond heart-broken, I really hope she does return. I can't deal with loss.

Last night he went to fetch his scooter from the car place where he had left it for a few days. His ipad was there. Well, he said he has nothing to hide so I decided to look...
He had sent his ex wife some messages about me, smirking behind my back, sending her kisses and hearts too, I mean WTF, is that normal...Geez, that's why my ex husband and I are divorced, no kisses or hearts...
So I confronted him and basically told him to go fuck his wife. I mean I was angry!
Well, more shouting and door slamming...
My poor kids, it kills me to see them see him verbally abusing me.

Thursday - 1 August 2013
Things were semi quiet, its a strain being around him, sends cold shivers down my spine, makes me feel so nauseous, no hot water for kids to bath in as neighbour used it all, that already pissed me off. My cat is still missing since Sunday....
He went to the garage to buy smokes, left the dreaded cell phone behind, I had a look....
His one blonde bimbo friend and him had been conversing, laughing behind my back, more lies, saying to her my love and sending her this: (*)(*) which we know means boobs!
Confronted him, he lost it, made sure to tell me what a fuck up I am. Apparently its normal to chat to friends like in a flirtatious way, even your ex because he was raised in a very loving family and that's how he is...
WTF!!! He went on and on and shouted and broke things, my hands were shaking, I tried to stay calm, if I didn't stay calm I would've punched the monster in his face! He drove me to the sheer brink of madness where I found myself slapping my face, hitting my head and finally biting myself.
I had to feel pain or else I would've inflicted it...

Oh dear God!!!!!!! I'm ashamed, I'm embarrassed, this is NOT me!!!!
Who have I become, where do I go...........