Everything is getting to me, everything is pissing me off, maybe I just need a holiday or a break from all the chaos but that would be pointless I guess as I'd have to return.
Maybe its time for a change, a new job, I've been here over 10 years, at times it feels like being here is killing me.
Most days I love my job, the fact that I get to work with dogs and cats, but the pressure's have changed, this place is claustrophobic, I just want to get away.
There are people that irritate the living crap out of me, today is one of those days, the nose picker is here and the senile old bat.
If I wanted to I would willingly check myself into the nut house but no need, the nut house is here!
So I got a puppy, my very own puppy, she knows I am her Mom, I know she loves me, she has taken away that need to feel loved as her love is unconditional and comes with no terms or hurt attached. She already senses when I am sad or not myself and comforts me.
My mind...
My mind thinks constantly still, I don't get a lot of sleep, I'm always thinking, making up stories in my mind, things about you... My gut still says there's something a miss, how do I trust that what you tell me is the truth, I don't know... Still thinking about finding a P.I to solve this mystery in my head.
These are my thoughts for today, just trying to keep it all together before I lose my mind :-/
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Friday, June 21, 2013
Am I having a meltdown....
This week has totally taken it out of me, I worry as I've been getting chest pains, maybe all the stress, haven't told anyone, who would care anyway, I'm so busy trying to keep everyone else happy around me that once again I take the back seat.
I go to work, do what is required, its not an easy job when you have to deal with lives, lives of dogs and cats, decide their fate, emotions have to be put aside yet I am human and eventually it all gets to me.
This week went a lot better with kids but I am exhausted with all I have to cope with. My partner doesn't face the responsibility I do, he gets to come and go as he pleases, make a mess in the house, turn a blind eye to things, me on the other hand, I have responsibilities...
I envy that, the fact that some get to relax after a day of work, even the week I don't have kids I have so much to cope with.
Losing track again... I go to work, then its the rush to collect kids, deal with idiotic morons on the road, get home, sort kids, sort dogs, sort cats, wash dishes, clean house, tidy some people's mess, pick up after them, if he's not cooking and adding more mess, sort the supper, bath kids, oh and there's washing to do in between, sorting, folding, get kids to bed, then finally sit and my mind takes over as to all I need to do the following day...
Everything irritates me lately, its become a mundane life, there is not fun factor, zero to look forward to.
I need to make sure its all organized, its live able, that there is order in the chaos, I only have me to count on, me, the one who just does does does and goes goes goes.
I'm not saying he doesn't help me, he does his bit, the easy parts, I would love to come home to a clean, tidy house where all my washing is done and neatly folded and packed away, but that won't happen as its become my duty.
This was supposed to be the first weekend in 3 weeks that I would have some space from kids, some relaxation time, but alas we have his daughter, I don't begrudge that at all, but I need space, no kids, none of the complaining... but that's your indaba this round, I've done my week, drained of all that is me, time for your responsibility....
I am quiet, tired, left to my own thoughts....
I go to work, do what is required, its not an easy job when you have to deal with lives, lives of dogs and cats, decide their fate, emotions have to be put aside yet I am human and eventually it all gets to me.
This week went a lot better with kids but I am exhausted with all I have to cope with. My partner doesn't face the responsibility I do, he gets to come and go as he pleases, make a mess in the house, turn a blind eye to things, me on the other hand, I have responsibilities...
I envy that, the fact that some get to relax after a day of work, even the week I don't have kids I have so much to cope with.
Losing track again... I go to work, then its the rush to collect kids, deal with idiotic morons on the road, get home, sort kids, sort dogs, sort cats, wash dishes, clean house, tidy some people's mess, pick up after them, if he's not cooking and adding more mess, sort the supper, bath kids, oh and there's washing to do in between, sorting, folding, get kids to bed, then finally sit and my mind takes over as to all I need to do the following day...
Everything irritates me lately, its become a mundane life, there is not fun factor, zero to look forward to.
I need to make sure its all organized, its live able, that there is order in the chaos, I only have me to count on, me, the one who just does does does and goes goes goes.
I'm not saying he doesn't help me, he does his bit, the easy parts, I would love to come home to a clean, tidy house where all my washing is done and neatly folded and packed away, but that won't happen as its become my duty.
This was supposed to be the first weekend in 3 weeks that I would have some space from kids, some relaxation time, but alas we have his daughter, I don't begrudge that at all, but I need space, no kids, none of the complaining... but that's your indaba this round, I've done my week, drained of all that is me, time for your responsibility....
I am quiet, tired, left to my own thoughts....
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
New Beginnings....
We made it to one year, a year filled with the revealings of many secrets that caused alot of harm. I now put that year behind me in the hope that our new year forward will be better without any hurtful secrets.
I have two wishes for our journey ahead:1. No more lies, no more hurtful secrets.
2. That you be more open with me, you have your 'good' 'female' friends that you confide in but what about me, the one who is sharing life with you... That also hurts....
Let's see how this goes from here...
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Rise of the fire Angel
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Paranoia
I am paranoid.
My mind thinks and thinks and thinks and doesn't stop thinking. I watch you all the time, I wonder...
I decide, but I don't know what is truth as I have no facts.
I have even considered hiring a P.I. to help stop the madness. I need answers.
You do things that makes no sense to me.
Did I thwart your plans last night by going with you when you wanted to go out on your own....or were there no other secret plans.... How the fuck do I learn to remotely trust you ever again after all you have done.
You mentioned how cold I am, well dead people are cold, you say you are trying, to me, trying would be giving me the answers I need, the proof, but you won't, so I won't trust, how must I when its all such a big secret....
Somewhere, somehow this all needs to come to head and be dealt with accordingly!
Do you even see the damage you've done to me? Do you want to fix it?
Simple, talk to me, give me the answers!!! Help me stop this paranoia!
My mind thinks and thinks and thinks and doesn't stop thinking. I watch you all the time, I wonder...
I decide, but I don't know what is truth as I have no facts.
I have even considered hiring a P.I. to help stop the madness. I need answers.
You do things that makes no sense to me.
Did I thwart your plans last night by going with you when you wanted to go out on your own....or were there no other secret plans.... How the fuck do I learn to remotely trust you ever again after all you have done.
You mentioned how cold I am, well dead people are cold, you say you are trying, to me, trying would be giving me the answers I need, the proof, but you won't, so I won't trust, how must I when its all such a big secret....
Somewhere, somehow this all needs to come to head and be dealt with accordingly!
Do you even see the damage you've done to me? Do you want to fix it?
Simple, talk to me, give me the answers!!! Help me stop this paranoia!
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Dear Blog...
Good morning my dear blog, you have become like my own Dr. Phil except you aren't human and you don't offer advise but at least I have a place to offload my thoughts and just vent whenever I need to.
Last night was a bad night, kids were full of antics, bickering and exhausting me. When he got home late from work he was in a foul mood, yes I accused him of meeting his female friends for coffee but what must I think when he has stated how important his female friends are to him. You see, my downfall is that I am too honest, I speak my mind, hence the foot in mouth disease but in a way its a good thing, my Mom always said you must not keep things bottled in, just let it out.
So anyway, you walked in the room, I was folding your washing, had to tidy a few things in your cupboard, must be nice to have someone do that for you and you just take it for granted.
So you told me to go fuck myself or fuck off, it was one of the two but by the time I had thought about it I couldn't remember which it was, and did it matter, not really, I can fuck off or go fuck myself, either way it really won't matter.
Don't worry, I cleaned the water from you kicking the bucket, I mop the kitchen floor every evening, not that you'd notice...
I decided to go to bed at a decent time for a change, not waiting up with you any longer, now you are free in the evenings to do what you do, I have myself, my health and me to think of for a change, wasted enough time playing detective and what should it matter if you do anything behind my back anymore.
When we met and I assumed it was perfect and you were different, I was different, I showed love and affection, what a waste, it was all for nothing, you probably couldn't wait for me to go home, or to leave my place so you could continue your hobby, it all makes sense now, I feel quite used, my emotions were abused and my heart was crushed.
Did the others also find out the truth?
I'm going off on a tangent, this matter is now closed, it has sickened me enough, the pictures, the videos, the sites, the emails, the texts, everything, I no longer care about any of it! Finished!!!
Last night was a bad night, kids were full of antics, bickering and exhausting me. When he got home late from work he was in a foul mood, yes I accused him of meeting his female friends for coffee but what must I think when he has stated how important his female friends are to him. You see, my downfall is that I am too honest, I speak my mind, hence the foot in mouth disease but in a way its a good thing, my Mom always said you must not keep things bottled in, just let it out.
So anyway, you walked in the room, I was folding your washing, had to tidy a few things in your cupboard, must be nice to have someone do that for you and you just take it for granted.
So you told me to go fuck myself or fuck off, it was one of the two but by the time I had thought about it I couldn't remember which it was, and did it matter, not really, I can fuck off or go fuck myself, either way it really won't matter.
Don't worry, I cleaned the water from you kicking the bucket, I mop the kitchen floor every evening, not that you'd notice...
I decided to go to bed at a decent time for a change, not waiting up with you any longer, now you are free in the evenings to do what you do, I have myself, my health and me to think of for a change, wasted enough time playing detective and what should it matter if you do anything behind my back anymore.
When we met and I assumed it was perfect and you were different, I was different, I showed love and affection, what a waste, it was all for nothing, you probably couldn't wait for me to go home, or to leave my place so you could continue your hobby, it all makes sense now, I feel quite used, my emotions were abused and my heart was crushed.
Did the others also find out the truth?
I'm going off on a tangent, this matter is now closed, it has sickened me enough, the pictures, the videos, the sites, the emails, the texts, everything, I no longer care about any of it! Finished!!!
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
The past affects the future!
You can't hide the past, it has a way of coming back and doing more than biting your ass! Now I know why you said to me when we first met that you aren't interested in my past and therefore I shouldn't ask you about your past.
It would seem that you have more than a colourful past and as much as I'm digging up what I can from it, I'm not liking what seeing one bit.
You really aren't the person I thought you were, regardless of your sick hobbies there seems to be so much more and little by little its starting to surface.
I've asked for answers yet you dance around it and avoid the telling me the truth.
Maybe in this case the truth won't set you free....
I'm so tired of playing super sleuth, I've even considered hiring a P.I to put my mind at peace and find out some truths once and for all, maybe I will still pursue that route... I too know people and am very capable of finding out facts. I won't be hurt or led to believe that there isn't more than that that meets the eye as below the surface there is a hell of a lot going on.
Can't you see what all this has done to me? If others have noticed then surely you have the best view of my dying me....
I will end here for now, all my thoughts are making me angry.
It would seem that you have more than a colourful past and as much as I'm digging up what I can from it, I'm not liking what seeing one bit.
You really aren't the person I thought you were, regardless of your sick hobbies there seems to be so much more and little by little its starting to surface.
I've asked for answers yet you dance around it and avoid the telling me the truth.
Maybe in this case the truth won't set you free....
I'm so tired of playing super sleuth, I've even considered hiring a P.I to put my mind at peace and find out some truths once and for all, maybe I will still pursue that route... I too know people and am very capable of finding out facts. I won't be hurt or led to believe that there isn't more than that that meets the eye as below the surface there is a hell of a lot going on.
Can't you see what all this has done to me? If others have noticed then surely you have the best view of my dying me....
I will end here for now, all my thoughts are making me angry.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Into the abyss...
Another weekend over, the start of a new week, a week I am dreading... Firstly I must say I am very proud of myself, you left your device at home this morning whilst you were briefly out and I did not even touch it, I wasn't even tempted.
I did however see on your other secret place that some woman is very keen to meet up with you, I did ask you a few questions last night about her in a non dramatic way, she's married and you went to school with her and you apparently don't know her well yet she wrote to you that she wants to meet up soon... Another secret, is it innocent or should I be worried.
The issue with kids this weekend weighs heavily on me, I left the 3 to their own devices in fear of jealousy, the 1 is jealous of the other and you too get jealous so I'm stuck in nowhere land not knowing how to give each attention without the other being jealous.
This flu has taken alot out of me, I think the hell you put me through has a lot to do with it.
Mr C commented on Saturday when I was at work that I had lost that spark in my eyes. I guess that's what happens when you are dead inside.
My mind has completely taken over, leading to a new type of madness, I convince myself of various scenarios to do with you and your secret life as I never know any truths.
My stepmom is going in for a big operation soon, you offered to make a plan to get me there so I can help my dad and stepmom, I did speak to her about it and as much as I am dying to go I am stuck in a rock and a hard place, to leave my home and worry if my cats are being fed and knowing you are free to get up to your hobbies and do who knows what when I am not there, the thought of that is a killer.
Time to get back to work, enter into my abyss....
I did however see on your other secret place that some woman is very keen to meet up with you, I did ask you a few questions last night about her in a non dramatic way, she's married and you went to school with her and you apparently don't know her well yet she wrote to you that she wants to meet up soon... Another secret, is it innocent or should I be worried.
The issue with kids this weekend weighs heavily on me, I left the 3 to their own devices in fear of jealousy, the 1 is jealous of the other and you too get jealous so I'm stuck in nowhere land not knowing how to give each attention without the other being jealous.
This flu has taken alot out of me, I think the hell you put me through has a lot to do with it.
Mr C commented on Saturday when I was at work that I had lost that spark in my eyes. I guess that's what happens when you are dead inside.
My mind has completely taken over, leading to a new type of madness, I convince myself of various scenarios to do with you and your secret life as I never know any truths.
My stepmom is going in for a big operation soon, you offered to make a plan to get me there so I can help my dad and stepmom, I did speak to her about it and as much as I am dying to go I am stuck in a rock and a hard place, to leave my home and worry if my cats are being fed and knowing you are free to get up to your hobbies and do who knows what when I am not there, the thought of that is a killer.
Time to get back to work, enter into my abyss....
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