Walking Zombie...

I am so tired, I feel like a zombie, I'm sure I look like one too...
It was nice to go out last night, dinner and a movie, that was a first, I think the movie was a last, nodded off a few times, the seat was uncomfortable, but still, it was nice to get out.
Is it wrong of me to question your intentions of why you would want to take me out, have my thoughts got to the point of over analyzing absolutely everything???

Besides the late night last night, I am constantly tired and wish for a good night's sleep. I don't sleep well at all, my mind is always awake.
I stay up late with you at night so that you can't do what it is you do on the net behind my back.
Do you wish for me to go to bed before you so you can do those things...
I push myself every night, every day, I am so tired...

TRUST

Trust... That is such a powerful word, trust... I wish I could trust you and not have these thoughts of doubt, thoughts of you leading another life behind my back.
How must I believe anything is real, how must I trust you...
My mind, so messed up, it's affecting my concentration, yesterday I almost had an accident I was so deep in thought.
I forget things, simple things, but I never forget the hurt....
There is a secret world all stored on 1 device, it bugs the shit out of me and I itch to get a glimpse into that world, yet... Do I want to know... What hurt lies within your secret world, it's better not to know yet its eating me alive!
I suspect there is another, I hope I am wrong, the heart isn't strong enough to deal with any more hurt.

I am a walking void.

Untitled...

Many titles enter my head at many moments but I forget them, so I'm calling this untitled as it may be quite random and go off the topics, my mind is chaos, I forget a lot, I always say its old age but in truth its the stress and the hurt and the pain that is eating away at me.
You kept asking me why I am so quiet, lets have a conversation, I seem so distant. Well open your eyes! I have longed to converse so many times only to be shunted aside, I dare not say much as its always the wrong thing that leads to you whining and shouting at me, so I ask, what is the point? Now? After 11 months??
You are so attached to your phone, guarding it like a pittbull, so afraid I may see your hidden secrets, your world, reality now is, I don't give a flying fuck, the damage is done, the trust is gone.
In my mind you have not quit your disgusting hurtful habit and in hurting me so badly I have faded therefore the hunger for you to continue most likely remains.

I forgave the 1st time, the 2nd time, but how many times must you hurt me, how many times am I expected to forgive!

You say you are trying, how I ask myself? You don't care to know me, I won't let you in my head, in your eyes I am immature, you never take me seriously.
I am alone, I have nobody, its just me and my mind.
My kids can't wait to be with their dad again this weekend, I can't wait either, I can't be a good mom now, I am empty, I am nothing, everything is just going past me, all the people with their wonderful lives and happy events.

I have no life, I'm most free to be me when I am work, I go home to face the lies, wash, clean, and deal with certain irritations, keep it all in, tightly locked in, I am not free to me.
I am the quiet one with a world of conversations in my head and I let a small piece out here in blog land...

My one wish is just for total honesty from you, I still haven't had an answer from you as to why you did what you did to destroy my heart!

Anyway, that's my thoughts for now.

Drained :-(

So this is what it feels like to be dying, to feel empty, to feel like nothing, why I ask myself... The lies, they have slowly sucked the life out of me, I hurt everyday, I ask for answers, need closure yet you refuse to give me the answers, the lies will always haunt me.
I'm tired, so tired, I'm lost, I don't know who I am anymore, I'm sad, sorrow drips from me, I've lost me....
If I were a dog at the pound this would be the part where they put me to sleep, the spark in my eyes is gone.
Why did you hurt me so bad???
I won't trust again in a hurry, I won't feel anything more than this deep pit of pain....
I feel so ill, is this how it feels to be dead inside?
The tears want to surface yet I force them back, nobody knows this intense hurt, I'm crumbling...
Can you save me with the truth!

Living Dead Girl...

I died... Yet I'm still alive... That part of me that beats and makes me feel alive, died.
You promised me, I believed you, yet you lied time and time again. This was the turning point that led to me feeling like nothing, just so empty.

I saw your secret, I got an indepth look, it hurt me so bad, I lost it, I don't know who or what I became, I can't become a deranged mad woman because of your evils.

I punched a window, I was so hurt and so angry, the blood dripping from my hand didn't bother me but the pain, the pain was unbearable, the pain in my heart!

I collapsed and cried uncontrollably, I cried all night...

I still managed to go to work the next day and compose myself but I was floating, I wasn't me anymore...
They all saw the plasters, some asked, some just looked but didn't dare to ask, the look of emtpy on my face was enough.

Today I messed up, I messed up in my job, my job deals with lives, a life was lost due to my error, my floating mind, my broken heart, others sorrow, I carry so much hurt, so much pain, my mind is chaos.

I don't know who I am anymore, all I know is I hurt, I cry, the smile is gone, I'm empty, just a living dead girl.

Liar, liar!

Yesterday I went on a quest, a quest to find some answers and boy did I find out some interesting truths...
The truth shall set you free or so I thought, not in this case, now it's added more confusion...
I think my time here with you has expired, the web of lies you've created and the secrecy that surrounds it all, nope, that's not for me.
I'm a good, honest person, I have strong values and morals and I won't be played for a dumb idiotic fool!
Yes, my dumb luck that I'd end up with another hunter, destroyer but NO, I won't stand for it, I've put in too much hard work repairing me from past others and yes there are many of you but fuck this, I am me and I know what is right and wrong...

NO MORE!!!!!

It's only words....

Three words... Saying them and meaning it are two different things. actions speaks louder than words, there is no action...
Why do you keep me around.... Do those three words have any meaning to you....
Everyday I wonder....

Three words, are they only words?

Who are you....

Sometimes I think I know who you are but most of the time I don't know who you are, I see things, they conflict with things you say, you are so closed, shut me out, I don't know who you are....

Its almost been a year and you still won't let me in, I don't know if what you say is truth, fantasy, or a simple lie...
I have now come to the conclusion that your son does not exist, why hide him, why have no pictures of him, why hide your past??? Are you ashamed? Was that the truth? Was it twisted fantasy?
Who are you?????

These frustrations are overwhelming at times but I must keep it in, dare not ask, its a 'secret'...

I try so hard, put in the effort so it all goes your way, my way does not exist anymore, the way I wish it would be, the way it should be....

Grrrrr, Sigh!!!

I guess I will never know, always wonder, who are you!!!????

Almost....

Things are almost starting to feel like they did before, we had such a wonderful day yesterday, yes there have been a few spoilings, its not the money, its that thought that counts....
So you got the birthday thing wrong, I will forgive you this time...
Its a good feeling when I feel a bit closer to you, all the wrongdoings pushed me far away, you almost lost me...
I am on the mend, we are too, I just hope we can get to that time and space where we can be and feel like one...

Almost, but not nearly there yet....