just another day...

Today was meant to be special, there was meant to at least be a small suprise... I knew a week ago what was planned for today but it wasn't for me, it was for us. today was meant to be my day... going to the carwash, the local shop AT MONTHEND was zero fun.
Off to the concert we go, I'm not ungrateful, but a small surprise, something from the heart would have mattered a lot....
I still had to wash dishes, clean up, do washing, its just another day :-(
Oh, and now have to meet your friend at the concert, wonder who's day this is....

She Devil...

Well, this is my last post before I turn a year older and hopefully wiser, hehe. I'm in good spirits today, for a change, have a new outlook and a different plan...
I'm quite confident it will work, the laughter inbetween is just me reaching total lunacy, hahaha.

So, tomorrow is the day that I dread every year, no suprises, just a day in my life, no idea what the day will hold except for the concert in the night...
If the crowd gets out of hand and I get stomped to death this will truly be my last post. Maybe that's why I've never been to a concert before, the fear of being trodden to death, hahaha.

I'm just trying to get through today, there is a madness in this room beyond my lunacy, it throbs in my head, need time to tick, need to get away...

I'm so grateful to those that are them who have stood by me the last few days and been there to ease the pain and suffering.
Its all part of the plan, there will be no more pain, I will rise, am rising, getting stronger, won't be screamed at ever again, not after She Devil emerged from within...

Good luck to me :-)

And so I died...

I sent you a message, I wasn't being mean, I just needed an answer, to stay or go... Yet again shot down. you're always too busy...
I now realise I am nothing and anything to do with you has nothing to do with me.
I don't know what my role was or why you wanted me in your life, maybe it was just another lesson for me to learn.

I feel sick, tired and empty... Is it over?

Deeper into the abyss...

Oh dear God, why won't he listen, why won't he give me a chance to talk.... Another night of screaming, words attacking me, if you just heard me out without making your assumptions we wouldn't be where we are now but you cut me short and leave me to crumble, tears rolling.
I can't do this anymore, I have zero fight in me, but you twist it and turn it for your own selfish pride, I can't understand why...
I'm so hurt, so alone, if I could just take a step off the edge, I may be happy, away from all the nasty torture.
I'm drained, there is nothing left of me :-(

All by myself...

Its sad when you are in a relationship yet you are alone.... I share my thoughts with myself, have many conversations in my head, I may be bordering complete madness from only having myself to converse with but my partner who has become a silent, secretive stranger to me has no interest in anything I have to say...
So sad keeping it all in, but I have myself, me and I who will listen to the brunt of whatever I have to say....

It truly is a thankless position I find myself in, did you thank me for taking care of your daughter this weekend...
Were you even in the least interested in anything we did this weekend... Well I guess not, as nothing I say or do interests you...
This is a silent killer stripping me of all I worked up to overcome and be, you stripped me from me and in doing so have created this lonely, sad monster....
I doubt I will ever trust you again as you lead your own secret, self centered life, your choice, face the monster, the silent me who merely exists from day to day, with nothing left to look forward to except what my next thought may be....

Bang Bang you shot me down!

I merely made an innocent comment to get shot down and screamed at. Seems the gift was all wrong, have to learn to control, speak unless spoken to, silence! Silence! SILENCE!!!

I'm drowning within this dark pit if nothingness, they can see, they ask, I just nod my head and say I'm ok.

The gift...

Today I gave you a gift, a promise... I vow to never ask you if you are ok, what you are doing, why you do what you do, my gift of silence shall put your world at peace...
I shall keep it all bottled up, lock it far away as I now give up.
Relationships are about trust, communication, opening your heart, being able to tell your partner anything and everything, no matter how sad, bad, happy etc.
Your partner is meant to be your best friend...but alas, I am just there...
I shall accept the fact that our time alone will be spent with short talks about the dogs, cats and what's for dinner and playing games on our ipads.
I must accept that this is what our relationship consists of, nothing short of a boring slow death...
Daily it gets shattered and becomes less, I shudder to think what happens when total silence eventually takes over.
I will take comfort in the fact that I still have a little world left where I can speak openly, laugh, joke and be me for a few hours a day before I become the person I am not, the silent one who lives in a very busy little world up in my head, having long conversations and thoughts in my head.

Oh well, enjoy your gift, I have free'd you from my droning.

Pandora's Boxes...

So much silence, it's killing me daily, so many secrets, a hidden world I have no key to... Why do you hide your thoughts, your feelings, why does it have to all be so superficial, why??? I hurt, I have to hide, this isn't me, I have to be silent, I tried to open up only to get your door slammed in my face, you push me further and further away, I don't know who you are, you are a stranger who won't let me in... I try, I try so hard, I'm becoming empty, a living void, I hate the silence.
I may be a 'grave yard' to you but you are no better, you are an empty vessel, a Pandora's box and in turn I have become one too... So sad, this is not who I am but I have no choice, I have to share my thoughts, my feelings with those I don't share my life with or want to, but those are them who are there, listen, they are not what I want, I want you to open your box, open your heart and stop killing me!