Breaking the silence...

Well, what can I say, at this point I know the rules, I've backed right down, no more running after, no more tears, it is what it is....

Maybe best to start at the beginning, where it all started, me...

I will go back as far as I can remember, maybe jump forward in between, its hard to write about me, I don't exist to myself, its about everyone else around me usually but not here, this is about me!

So I was born, don't remember much from the earlier days, all memories are from photo's... It was just the 3 of us, my Mom, brother and myself.
Dad left us when I was 4 years old.... I remember dad spending alot of time with neighbours, we would watch him through the window, drinking and laughing with them...
Mom would be in tears, very angry, why wouldn't he spend any time with us....

Well, they were divorced, I remember my brother and I seeing him just once and then he moved to Cape town, I think we went once or twice, most likely once to visit him and his new family in Cape Town...

We never saw him again after that... Well not until very many years later...

I remember him as a very angry person back then, he didn't seem to like me much...

Mom remarried, some British idiot that lived down the road from us, he would visit every Friday night and bring us each a bribery packet of crisps. You know the way to woman's heart is by buying her kids... Apparently....

Life was...well... let's just say the British idiot's true colours shone after he married Mom, I knew this place would be my prison for many years filled with alot of unhappiness and many suicide attempts...

I'm still here to tell the story so you know I never got the attempts right, they were more a cry for help....

Its been awhile.....

I am back again to empty my head, can't empty my heart anymore, it doesn't exist...
I thought I was finally happy, that you made me happy but the truth of some ugly secret surfaced.
I now don't know who or what you are, I can no longer give you my heart, you put a knife through it, you still are, its tearing slowly more and more every minute of every day...

I don't think things will ever be the same again, my 'happy' picture has been destroyed, there is no erasing, it will always be there.

You have found your sick hobby to see you through your desperate times of need to feed your manly bit, to make you feel good... So keep your whores, keep your sick fantasy world, I won't be part of that, I deserve more... Honesty... 8 months of a total sick joke...

I hurt, I am angry, I am in a place yet again where I promised myself I'd never be, very lonely, all alone, lefto to my angry, bitter thoughts...
Almost like a woman drawn to her abuser, heart abusers - they destroy your spirit, your very inckling of any bit of happyness and feeling alive, there are many of them out there, I just always seem to end up with them...

You are selfish! You are self-conceited! You don't give a fuck to listen, to pay some attention, its all about YOU YOU YOU!

I won't be me for a very long time, you took me away, it took me along time to get to be me again after the last heart abuser...

Why didn't you settle for someone else who could handle your sick little world, one of your little whores, one of them... suppose it wouldn't have been as much fun as destroying an innocent...

I will never trust you again, I don't know who you are, I do, you are another heart abuser... Don't tell me its human what you are doing, its sick, its twisted and I will never understand why!!!!

May a truck or bus hit me so I never have to go through this shit again!!!

The way to a woman's heart is NOT through her stomach!.

Its been awhile... Guess I'm here again because my mind is over-flowing... Too many thughts... Feel like I'm walking a tight rope that will snap at any given minute, it's the not knowing or the last minute results of things changing, they change all the time... I am so unaware, unaware because I don't need to know, I don't count... I have no opinions... I am an empty vessell that just has to go with the flow.... WRONG!!!!!! I do fucken count, I do have opinions, I do have dreams BUT.....
I am NOBODY and nobody is NEVER EVER HEARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am angry, I am hurt, I have feelings, I am NOBODY.................

I am sad..........

Sad songs they say....

Last night I lay in bed reading my previous blogs, only the first one had some sense of joy in it...
Have I been this unhappy these last few months... I know the reason, I feel the sadness...
I walk with my head hung low, I have forgotten how to lift it up high, how sad... There is no sypmathy for what I am going through, a longing, a very lost heart...

Only you can change it, but you are too busy to see...

Do I patiently wait in the wings for the curtain to drop, will I still be here... I'm so confused, so hurt, so alone. I want to feel alive again, I miss that feeling...

I wish I knew where I stood with you... Seems this is a lonely journey for me, so much going round up there in the planet in my head...

Only you can change it, but you are too busy to see...

So Alone....

It's not the weather.... It's me, me, me... Fuuuuuuuck, what is wrong with me, or is it everyone else... It must be me!
I just want to go home and curl up into a little ball and cry, cry, cry....
Not that the tears help much but the damn emotions needs to get out. This silence inside me is killing me.
You are too distracted to even acknowledge my mere existence, everyone else is way more important yet I am your 'everything'???!!!!
If this is how you treat your everything then I don't know because your everything does not exist to you!
Do you know how many tears I have shed due to your lack of interest in your 'everything'???

I really can't deal with this, I just want to be happy.
Every man that has been or is in my life seem hell bent on destroying me.

All I want is to feel loved, is that too much to ask????

I AM SO SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Empty

Today I feel so empty, trying to compose myself is so difficult. I would prefer to be home, in my bed, crying my heart out, my heart which I thought would never tick again but unfortunately it does... If only it would stop, put to total silence...
Its been a build up of emotions, I finally let them out, the consequences are that of total silence, heartache...
Have to stop the tears, just want this day to pass, want this week to pass, need to be alone, always alone...

There is no place for love, not in this day and age, you are too pre-occupied by your hobbies, your friends, there is no place for me, yet you say I make you happy, yes, you are happy as you fit me into your space as you feel fit...

I used to believe in romance but that too does not exist... You don't see the hurt, the pain that you cause me as nothing is about me, nothing ever was...

I am nothing, I am nobody, I am empty... :-(

Complicated...

This thing called life and love is so complicated, it doesn't have to be but it is... I finally thought I found the one yet it hurts so much to feel so shut out. Things move so quickly these days, heading into the 3rd month and I still can't figure you out, I still don't know who you are...
I opened my broken heart to you, thought you could mend it, it shatters more daily, I don't like feeling, emotions, I'd rather be dead inside...