The End

This is my final blog for Sweet Dreams At Lonely Planet, this chapter will then be closed. It was intended to be a happy blog but alas it has all been the trials of a very fucked up relationship filled with lies and deception. There is no going back. The ultimate damage is done and there is no trust left where you are concerned.
You brought out the absolute worst in me, never would I think I'd be so angry and hurt to punch a window!
Never would I think that I'd be so unhappy that I would deliberately harm myself or run to the furthest point of the earth, but that is how I felt.
I will rise above this, regain my strength and my health. This took a lot out of me, lost a lot of weight, was constantly nauseous in your presence.
I no longer have to deal with it and can slowly start to breathe again, smile again, laugh again and be me!

Thank you to everyone who read my posts from all over the world.
I may start a new blog when I am healed, the happy blog I had intended.

Always stay true to yourselves and never allow anyone to control you. Be happy, that's all that counts.

The End

Wake me up when September ends.

I need peace, peace and quiet, peace in my head, peace in my heart, I can't handle the constant harrassment, the stress, my heart is sore, seriously sore, the only way to heal is to move on, to live again, to find my happy place.
A week of little to no sleep, trying to sort the chaos that surrounds me, in my new place and in my head. The only comfort is the strength from my family and friends, not as alone as I thought, glad to feel I do exist...

Friday you pitched up at my work, it wasn't the best idea given the circumstances, I had a very bad panic attack, I just couldn't stand to be in the same space as you. Something you can't understand, the amount of damage done, stems back from torture from years gone by, resurfaced, thanks to you.
I will not be with anyone ever who treats me that way.

I had an ok weekend with my kids, tried to do as much as possible with each and just spend time with them, I need to absorb them, they have pure love, my medicine, my kids.
Human company, that was good. Managed to have a few smiles...

Then I woke this morning, it all hit me, the reality of everything. The place I am at, the place I now call home.  hate the emotions, the sadness, the wanting to cry.

All I can do is carry on this path to nowhere and let it lead me to happiness.

There are no sweet goodbyes...

My dear Monkey Cat: She was my spark, the 1 that made me feel better, although only a cat she lifted me up when I was down, made me laugh, she was with me for almost three years and then she was no more.... A month has passed and my Monkey Cat is gone, gone I don't know where, gone, will I ever see her again... Gone gone gone!

My Guru CL: Two weeks ago on this day we were given the shocking news that they forced her into early retirement.... My guru, the lady who helped me grow, to be stronger, a selfless person who has just been tossed away... She's been like a mother to me, one decade I've known her and now there's only a few days left and I won't see her again... I am sad.

2IC: You've been a good friend and colleague and today was your turn to drop the bomb that you too are leaving. They treated you badly, its understandable, now our mini work family is no more, the pieces are slowly crumbling, one by one they will all go until there is no more...

Dear Harley: You pee'd on everything in sight, licked everything in sight, may you be happy in your new home.

My dear Moshi: German Shepherd cross Husky, 4 months old, a giant of a beast, my doggy, I now have to say goodbye to you too, tonight I will take you to your new home. May you be faithful to them.

My life: I am moving this weekend. Need to end the madness, time to find me. Lots of loss in a short space of time. I hope I find me again...

Should I stay or should I go....

Some decisions bugging me....

We all know how the song goes, I am faced with such immense inner turmoil. This has been one of the hardest relationships I've ever been in, filled with frustration, I just can't be me and every turn we seem to clash.
There is only so much compromise and change one can make before your inner soul is destroyed.

I am unhappy.
I am lost.

I sometimes think I am better off on my own, doing it my way.

It's so hard to live with someone who is a complete stranger, there is nothing to say, no common interest.
Whatever there once may have been is gone.
I need verbal stimulation, I don't get it, shall I seek it elsewhere?

I do most of it on my own anyway, why deal with more than you should when it should be a partnership?

I can feel it, I am dying from the inside, this is not me, do I need to be free....?

I'm going slightly mad...

I just can't handle much at this point in my life. The shouting completely drained me. The feelings I had are gone, all that remains is a tear in my heart and a lot of anger.
I can't say I haven't tried... I can't say I have tried... I can say I am on the verge of giving up.
A zebra can't change its striped, they can only age...
I have poured my heart out to you (what is left of it) tried to make you understand what makes me tick but alas you just won't ever get it.
You are sooooo self absorbed.
If I tell you something it always get changed into something about you. How you did it, who you did it with. You just clearly know everything and its all about you, you, you!

We will never see eye to eye, it is very frustrating.

Violated.

Liar.

Secrets.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!

Here we go again........

After weeks of hurt and heartache, we took a long journey together, we went to see the Chimps... It was a three hour drive, I got to speak my mind, let you know what your verbal abuse did to me, your actions and my repercussions...

So here we go again, lets see if we can get back on track again and put all the hurt behind us.

Psycho crazy, doors slamming...

Go grab yourself a large cup of coffee, a snack and have a comfy seat, this is going to be a long story and in the end you judge for yourself how psycho I really am. All contents will be the truth as I know it to be:

Friday - 26 July 2013
He was away from home with work (5 hour drive away), his cell had been cut off by subscriber and we still had alot of tension between us. He would communicate by sending me fb messages with his ipad. Also send me requests for me to phone him. Now keep in mind, he has let me down many times and I really just didn't want to talk to him as its all about him.
I had an awful day at work that day, nobody to talk to, he has no interest in what I have to say.
I got home, had a pleasant evening by myself... He sent a message at 7pm to say  he was leaving.
I went to bed around 10.
He got home around midnight, whispered he's home. He got into bed a few minutes later. He then pushed his arm under my pillows, woke me up and said he's home.
I said ok and tried to sleep again. He shot up, yanked the duvet off the bed, switched the bright bedroom light on and shouted why don't I welcome him home, why didn't I stay up and worry??? (why didn't I stay up and worry? well, I cared too much and worried too much before, for what?) I shot up, shouted at him that I hate him and I am so sorry for not having a welcome home banner for him.
You see, if he showed any interest in my life, he would know that I don't get much sleep and waiting until the morning wouldn't have got us where we are today.
Yes I threw a plastic ashtray down the passage as he was walking out, I did not intentionally aim it at him, yet he threw it back at me.
He slammed and punched the bedroom and bathroom doors.
I sat huddled in the bathroom, petrified.

All was quiet so I went back to bed for a very restless night.

Saturday - 27 July 2013
I went to work, managed to compose myself the entire day. Fetched my kids from the ex husband and went home (I refer to home as the house, a home is a happy place, this is just a house of misery).
We had the afternoon to ourselves, he was vising friends with his daughter.
He got home, the mood was dull and he asked me if I wanted supper, I said no thank you. If he offered me coffee, I would say no thank you.
Well, that was the wrong thing to say and I got shouted at yet again.
(I can't eat or drink when my tummy is in a huge knot from all the abusive shouting).
The rest of the evening is fuzzy....

Sunday - 28 July 2013
Woke up, sorted kids and cleaned house etc. More fighting. He spent many hours outside with his car (relief, some peace and quiet).
Then he came inside and asked what should we have for lunch, I tried to say there are sausages in fridge but was overpowered by his voice and the shouting, more shouting...
He took his daughter with him to the shop (I told my daughter she is not to ride in a car with this angry man). He asked me if I wanted lunch, yet again I refused. He asked me if I will ever eat again, I said no, hopefully I will die of starvation. he mumbled to the kids about me.
Anyway, later that afternoon he left to take his daughter home to his ex wife.
He returned 3 hours later, claimed he had met his brother there.

Monday - 29 July to Wednesday 31 July 2013
Things are strained, my cat has been missing since Sunday, I am devastated. I think all his shouting and banging of doors has scared her away. I'm beyond heart-broken, I really hope she does return. I can't deal with loss.

Last night he went to fetch his scooter from the car place where he had left it for a few days. His ipad was there. Well, he said he has nothing to hide so I decided to look...
He had sent his ex wife some messages about me, smirking behind my back, sending her kisses and hearts too, I mean WTF, is that normal...Geez, that's why my ex husband and I are divorced, no kisses or hearts...
So I confronted him and basically told him to go fuck his wife. I mean I was angry!
Well, more shouting and door slamming...
My poor kids, it kills me to see them see him verbally abusing me.

Thursday - 1 August 2013
Things were semi quiet, its a strain being around him, sends cold shivers down my spine, makes me feel so nauseous, no hot water for kids to bath in as neighbour used it all, that already pissed me off. My cat is still missing since Sunday....
He went to the garage to buy smokes, left the dreaded cell phone behind, I had a look....
His one blonde bimbo friend and him had been conversing, laughing behind my back, more lies, saying to her my love and sending her this: (*)(*) which we know means boobs!
Confronted him, he lost it, made sure to tell me what a fuck up I am. Apparently its normal to chat to friends like in a flirtatious way, even your ex because he was raised in a very loving family and that's how he is...
WTF!!! He went on and on and shouted and broke things, my hands were shaking, I tried to stay calm, if I didn't stay calm I would've punched the monster in his face! He drove me to the sheer brink of madness where I found myself slapping my face, hitting my head and finally biting myself.
I had to feel pain or else I would've inflicted it...

Oh dear God!!!!!!! I'm ashamed, I'm embarrassed, this is NOT me!!!!
Who have I become, where do I go...........

Aaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm upset, I'm angry. I want to get in my car and drive, drive until there is no more road to drive. Drive to the edge!
Everything is killing me, tears welling, I have nobody to talk to, nobody who will understand. I really am a lonely drifter.
This is NOT the way my life is meant to be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need change, interest, to feel alive. I'm dead inside.

I just can't handle anything anymore.

Just let me be me...

I can't be myself with you anymore. You killed the communication, things were going so well but it was too good to be true, a zebra can't change its stripes....
I have realized out of all of this nothing is about me, I am nobody. This is not what I wanted for my final choice at this stage of my life.
Two nights of verbal abuse, anger rising from deep down, gazing in longing at the place next door I called home...
My cave where I could escape from the cruel world, the place next door...
This place, this house, the fights, the selfishness, me killing myself over a place I hate, a place I've been before, a place of hurt and anger...
Oh G_d, someone, anyone, I wish I didn't feel so low, I wish I felt amazing, yet I am wilting daily, consumed with such sadness...

I'm alone tonight, I can breathe awhile, sleep in peace, be me for that time, freedom!
Until you return and the wheel goes round with me spinning in it....

Why can't you see........

Fists of Fury!

Anger! I am consumed with so much anger caused by hurt! How dare you sit there and shout at me and make it all seem like I am the one at fault!
You do fuckall to help me and NO I won't ask for you help, if you don't have the courtesy to offer it, then screw you!
YOU let me down AGAIN and that it isn't the first time but after this weekend it will be the last time that you ever let me down again!!!

I'm done.

I really tried my utmost, put my heart into it but I have become a glorified maid and home maker. I have never in my life been with someone so selfish, so self absorbed, I'm done.
The scary part is starting over again on my own, finding affordable accommodation for my kids and I, giving up so much again, learning to survive on nothing.
Reality I've been alone in this from the start, having to compete with your porn, chat sites, your friends, your car things, I've been placed lower than last.
You're unreliable, a liar, a fake. You have no morals and no pride in loved ones or your home.
You lost your son, you've lost me, I hope for your sake you don't lose your daughter too...

Here's to me having to start over and suffer due to your selfishness!

Falling away from me....

Nothing is constant, there is always something new with you, something that effects us. First I had to compete with the porn, then your friends, then I had a piece of you for a very short time, I was happy then, you seemed open, talked, included me in your life, now I have to compete with the cars, the people, your friends, you've completely shut me out. I am so lonely, so lost, so hurt and so alone.
You had me, yet you tossed me aside again.
I can no longer compete with anything or anyone, I have given up, I no longer stay up at late hours with you, watching what you are up to, I no longer care.
I am just here.
The nobody.

Crawling in my skin...

I haven't been to work for two days, I'm not myself, I'm angry, I'm lost, I'm beyond irritation. I couldn't handle going to work knowing I couldn't save some of the dogs with the fate they are faced with, I didn't want that to be my decision again, it's killing me, I don't know how much longer I can handle the decisions and emotions I am faced with at work... My heart aches for all the animals, it's taking its toll on me emotionally and I don't know how to deal with it, I have nobody to talk to, I can't open up to you, that door is shut closed, you closed it.

Your world belongs only to you, it pisses me off. Married to your iPad and bb, I must be awful company if you have the need to chat and occupy yourself with everyone but me. I am so alone, it hurts, I don't want to be around anyone, I want to stay isolated and die in my own misery. I miss my mom so much, it feels like she is calling me from the grave, my brother is depressed too,Mathis woman will be the death of him.
Is it our destiny to go the way in which my mom went, suicide?

Does happiness even exist, I wonder if I will ever know before its too late.

Mona Lisa...

I am cold, tired and highly irritated, besides the start of PMS, I am just plain aggro and I have every right to be. Another week of kids, we even included your daughter but alas that has been a stuff up. I sit here dozing off due to the events of last night, yet again I am drained and I wonder why do I try so hard to keep everyone happy yet everyone is knocking nails into my coffin...
If your ex wife can't take control of her life I don't want to know about it anymore, you would drop at a hat to go help her if needed but when I've asked you to help me I end up sorting it our myself.
Well I'm a big girl and have learnt to do a lot myself. There is a reason an ex is an ex, she needs to stop relying on you to save her!
I understand that she needs her wash machine to wash your daughter's clothes too but she could get a technician to sort it, always the easy way out and as per usual you are so willing to help her or anyone else that needs your help except me!!!
Who the fuck am I??? Oh yes, I forgot, I can do it all myself, I run a household, a full time job, at times 3 kids, I spend more time with your daughter than you do!

Fuck, I'm in a foul mood, I know the weather is just as drone as I am today, but I have exceeded my happy limit for now.

All I can say is open your eyes!!!!

Ten seconds from a nervous breakdown....

Everything is getting to me, everything is pissing me off, maybe I just need a holiday or a break from all the chaos but that would be pointless I guess as I'd have to return.
Maybe its time for a change, a new job, I've been here over 10 years, at times it feels like being here is killing me.
Most days I love my job, the fact that I get to work with dogs and cats, but the pressure's have changed, this place is claustrophobic, I just want to get away.
There are people that irritate the living crap out of me, today is one of those days, the nose picker is here and the senile old bat.
If I wanted to I would willingly check myself into the nut house but no need, the nut house is here!

So I got a puppy, my very own puppy, she knows I am her Mom, I know she loves me, she has taken away that need to feel loved as her love is unconditional and comes with no terms or hurt attached. She already senses when I am sad or not myself and comforts me.

My mind...

My mind thinks constantly still, I don't get a lot of sleep, I'm always thinking, making up stories in my mind, things about you... My gut still says there's something a miss, how do I trust that what you tell me is the truth, I don't know... Still thinking about finding a P.I to solve this mystery in my head.

These are my thoughts for today, just trying to keep it all together before I lose my mind :-/

Am I having a meltdown....

This week has totally taken it out of me, I worry as I've been getting chest pains, maybe all the stress, haven't told anyone, who would care anyway, I'm so busy trying to keep everyone else happy around me that once again I take the back seat.
I go to work, do what is required, its not an easy job when you have to deal with lives, lives of dogs and cats, decide their fate, emotions have to be put aside yet I am human and eventually it all gets to  me.
This week went a lot better with kids but I am exhausted with all I have to cope with. My partner doesn't face the responsibility I do, he gets to come and go as he pleases, make a mess in the house, turn a blind eye to things, me on the other hand, I have responsibilities...
I envy that, the fact that some get to relax after a day of work, even the week I don't have kids I have so much to cope with.
Losing track again... I go to work, then its the rush to collect kids, deal with idiotic morons on the road, get home, sort kids, sort dogs, sort cats, wash dishes, clean house, tidy some people's mess, pick up after them, if he's not cooking and adding more mess, sort the supper, bath kids, oh and there's washing to do in between, sorting, folding, get kids to bed, then finally sit and my mind takes over as to all I need to do the following day...
Everything irritates me lately, its become a mundane life, there is not fun factor, zero to look forward to.
I need to make sure its all organized, its live able, that there is order in the chaos, I only have me to count on, me, the one who just does does does and goes goes goes.
I'm not saying he doesn't help me, he does his bit, the easy parts, I would love to come home to a clean, tidy house where all my washing is done and neatly folded and packed away, but that won't happen as its become my duty.
This was supposed to be the first weekend in 3 weeks that I would have some space from kids, some relaxation time, but alas we have his daughter, I don't begrudge that at all, but I need space, no kids, none of the complaining... but that's your indaba this round, I've done my week, drained of all that is me, time for your responsibility....
I am quiet, tired, left to my own thoughts....

New Beginnings....

 

 

We made it to one year, a year filled with the revealings of many secrets that caused alot of harm. I now put that year behind me in the hope that our new year forward will be better without any hurtful secrets.



I have two wishes for our journey ahead:
1. No more lies, no more hurtful secrets.
2. That you be more open with me, you have your 'good' 'female' friends that you confide in but what about me, the one who is sharing life with you... That also hurts....

Let's see how this goes from here...

Rise of the fire Angel

I'm getting stronger day by day, nobody will ever hurt me again, I won't allow it. I won't crumble. I won't shed a tear. From here on out I'm going to be selfish and think of myself, the transformation is in the process, haircut, vibrant colour, change of attitude, confidence boost, turning some heads, hee hee, I shall rise again, stronger!

Paranoia

I am paranoid.
My mind thinks and thinks and thinks and doesn't stop thinking. I watch you all the time, I wonder...
I decide, but I don't know what is truth as I have no facts.
I have even considered hiring a P.I. to help stop the madness. I need answers.
You do things that makes no sense to me.
Did I thwart your plans last night by going with you when you wanted to go out on your own....or were there no other secret plans.... How the fuck do I learn to remotely trust you ever again after all you have done.
You mentioned how cold I am, well dead people are cold, you say you are trying, to me, trying would be giving me the answers I need, the proof, but you won't, so I won't trust, how must I when its all such a big secret....
Somewhere, somehow this all needs to come to head and be dealt with accordingly!
Do you even see the damage you've done to me? Do you want to fix it?
Simple, talk to me, give me the answers!!! Help me stop this paranoia!

Dear Blog...

Good morning my dear blog, you have become like my own Dr. Phil except you aren't human and you don't offer advise but at least I have a place to offload my thoughts and just vent whenever I need to.
Last night was a bad night, kids were full of antics, bickering and exhausting me. When he got home late from work he was in a foul mood, yes I accused him of meeting his female friends for coffee but what must I think when he has stated how important his female friends are to him. You see, my downfall is that I am too honest, I speak my mind, hence the foot in mouth disease but in a way its a good thing, my Mom always said you must not keep things bottled in, just let it out.
So anyway, you walked in the room, I was folding your washing, had to tidy a few things in your cupboard, must be nice to have someone do that for you and you just take it for granted.
So you told me to go fuck myself or fuck off, it was one of the two but by the time I had thought about it I couldn't remember which it was, and did it matter, not really, I can fuck off or go fuck myself, either way it really won't matter.
Don't worry, I cleaned the water from you kicking the bucket, I mop the kitchen floor every evening, not that you'd notice...
I decided to go to bed at a decent time for a change, not waiting up with you any longer, now you are free in the evenings to do what you do, I have myself, my health and me to think of for a change, wasted enough time playing detective and what should it matter if you do anything behind my back anymore.
When we met and I assumed it was perfect and you were different, I was different, I showed love and affection, what a waste, it was all for nothing, you probably couldn't wait for me to go home, or to leave my place so you could continue your hobby, it all makes sense now, I feel quite used, my emotions were abused and my heart was crushed.
Did the others also find out the truth?
I'm going off on a tangent, this matter is now closed, it has sickened me enough, the pictures, the videos, the sites, the emails, the texts, everything, I no longer care about any of it! Finished!!!